


Chakotay's Ears

by Emilie_786



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Ears, F/M, Genetics, Headaches & Migraines, Holding Hands, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POV Chakotay (Star Trek)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:27:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27834535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilie_786/pseuds/Emilie_786
Summary: Why is Chakotay always tugging at his ears? The Captain finds out, and finds what she needs as well. This is my little story to give a super big Thank You to all of you who have been entertaining me with your stories. You are all awesome and very talented and very much appreciated.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 48
Kudos: 88





	1. Ears

**Author's Note:**

> I'm pretty new to writing fan fic, and this is my first J/C fic, although I have been reading what all you wonderful authors have written for years. I felt like it was time I contributed something, although this certainly isn't much compared to all the awesomeness I have read. I don't have a beta, so please let me know if you see any mistakes. All comments are very much appreciated!
> 
> This is set sometime in season one.

We withdrew to her ready room. I couldn’t help but appreciate the aesthetics of the room with its wall of viewports, curves, and multi-level—well, actually the second level with a rail was a bad idea. I could easily imagine myself tripping and landing in an unceremonious heap at the bottom of the stairs in a rush to get to the bridge during an emergency. Kathryn certainly used the upper level to her advantage, however. It almost seemed like it was designed for her. 

My office, in contrast, Starfleet might have designed for me. It’s dark, oversized, empty space reminded me of Starfleet’s solitary confinement prison cells. They had tried to compensate for the cruelty of such punishment by making the cells larger. I often imagined that this was my sentence: a commission I couldn’t resign from, confinement, and ironically, mild psychological torture.

The method of my torture was now sitting in front of me on her sofa, her body twisted to see the oncoming stars out the viewport while she rubbed the base of her skull with one hand. She had a headache, again. Not a migraine yet, but I could tell she was trying to keep the headache from getting worse. She saw a trip to sickbay as a sign of weakness. Watching her struggle with pain and deny herself comfort and relief was the torture Starfleet had sent me. Maybe I should have let the Cardassian Gul I had outrun—just before the displacement wave hit—capture us instead, I thought. 

Of course I was being ridiculous. I firmly reminded myself that I should be appreciative of my position. Then she looked at me with those big beautiful eyes tinged with pain. I looked down and tugged my ear. 

“Commander, is there something wrong with your ears?”

My head snapped up.

“I just notice you are always—often—tugging on them. You seem a little uncomfortable.”

She was mixing the cause and effect but she was right, either way. I was uncomfortable. My ears were too. 

“I, mmhhm, have a genetic…it feels itchy, Captain.”

“Isn’t there a treatment, Commander?”

“Yes, when I was in Starfleet before the doctor had a treatment.”

“Well, I am sure our EMH has it in his database. Why don’t you pay him a visit?”

She was careful not to word that as an order, which I appreciated. I followed her lead in steering away from our command structure and I boldly joined her on the couch. 

“Do my itchy ears bother you?” I asked. She raised her eyebrows, but widening her eyes hurt her head, I could tell. She narrowly avoided wincing in pain but closed her eyes and began rubbing her forehead just above her eyebrows. I sighed and headed for the replicator. “Coffee, black,” I ordered. As I carried the steaming cup I called for the lights to dim to twenty percent. I held out the coffee. “My rations,” I offered. She didn’t reach for it, so I set it on the coffee table. “Your migraine is worse that I thought,” I chided gently.

“How did you know I have a migraine?” She was still rubbing her head.

“I’m a good first officer.” I slowly sat down by her once again. I couldn’t imagine Riker taking care of Picard when he had a headache, but that didn’t matter. Because Kathryn reached for my hand and held it. Voyager clearly needed—and had—a different command structure. That was just fine with me.

I awkwardly used my left hand to touch my combadge. “Chakotay to the EMH.”

“Please state the nature of the medical emergency.”

“Doctor, the Captain has a migraine. We are in her ready room. Could Kes bring her a hypo?” I knew how painful walking to sickbay would be for Kathryn right now. When she felt better, we would be having a talk about the right time to seek medical treatment for her headaches. As well as my itchy ears, I supposed. 


	2. The Right Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Kathryn has another migraine and Chakotay goes beyond the neutral zone.

I paced the corridor outside the Captain’s quarters. 

“Computer, locate Captain Janeway.”

“Captain Janeway is in her quarters.”

“Is she awake?”

“Affirmative,” the polite voice responded. I had to make a decision. I had to get out of this corridor before a member of the crew saw me pacing outside Kathryn’s door. What would they think? Lover’s quarrel? The command structure of the ship was collapsing? Voyager’s future was in jeopardy? That’s what Kathryn was always so concerned about, and here I was risking the very rumors she wanted to avoid because…because I was being a yellow bellied targ. I took a deep breath and rang the Captain’s chime.

“Come in,” she replied, sounding weary. I made the right choice, and I would deal with the consequences. I walked into her dark quarters. Kathryn was sitting on the floor between the couch and the coffee table, with her head tilted back resting on the couch cushion behind her, rubbing her forehead. The only light in the room came from the flame of a small Vulcan lamp on the coffee table.

“Vulcan meditation?” I asked.

“I thought it might help my headache,” she responded. At least she wasn’t denying she had a headache this time.

“Does it help?” I asked.

“Nope. Tuvok taught me a long time ago. He thought it might help, bless him, but it has never seemed to make any difference.”

“Does it help Vulcans with headaches?”

“I have never heard of a Vulcan getting a migraine, have you?”

“No. Their brains are pretty different from ours.”

“True.” She had her elbows on the coffee table now with her hands covering her face.

“Kathryn, how bad is the pain?”

No response. 

“On a scale of one to ten?” I prodded.

“Seven.”

_Seven._ And there I was making small talk when I could have been helping her. I showed her the hypo I brought. Except she didn’t see it because she was still covering her eyes. 

“Computer, lights on at ten percent,” I requested and the blew out the Vulcan lamp. 

“Kathryn, can you open your eyes?” I asked gently. Slowly she moved her hands and opened her eyes, but not all the way. I showed her the hypospray. 

“This is the combination the doctor gave you last time. It helped then, didn’t it?

“Yes.”

“Can I give it to you now?”

She didn’t respond but tilted her head slightly to expose her neck. However, she didn’t move her hair out of the way. That was up to me. I held my breath as I gently moved her hair back and pressed the hypo to her neck. She sighed. 

“Stay with me until it kicks in? Please?”

Since I knew it would take effect in about ten minutes, she really wasn’t asking me to make a big sacrifice. I would do anything to make those ten minutes more comfortable for her, but she probably didn’t realize the depth of my devotion to her. At least, I hoped she didn’t. 

She held out her hand. I scooted next to her on the floor and held her hand. I eased my other arm around her and gently pulled her so she rested her head against my chest. We sat like that in the silent darkness for twelve minutes. Then she lifted her head. 

“Is it gone?” I asked.

“Yes.” She sighed. 

“Can we talk?” I knew she would say no if she could think of a reason.

“I don’t think—“ she began but I cut her off mid sentence.

“Kathryn.”

Her mouth shut and she stared at me, her eyebrows slowly raising. 

“I don’t want you to be in pain.” I rushed on, “You’ve had two migraines this week and one last week. You need to get help from the doctor. You need a plan that involves treatment before your headaches become migraines.”

She was still staring at me. Suddenly she looked down at her hands. “I assumed I would be hearing from the doctor anyway after he let you bring me that hypo tonight.”

“No,” I corrected her, “you won’t. I snuck into sickbay while he was deactivated, looked up the last treatment he gave you, and filled the hypo myself. I checked it three times to make sure I got the correct medications and dosages.”

“Chakotay!” she admonished. 

I held up a hand, “I know, I broke some regulations, but you did invite a member of the Maquis to be your first officer, remember? People are more important to me than regulations.”

Kathryn visibly relaxed. I could see she knew I had done it for her. Although I was encouraging her to seek medical treatment, I had made sure the choice was still hers to make. I would be there for her no matter what she chose. 

“There is another issue besides the pain.” I was about to go far past Kathryn’s neutral zone. “Migraines can affect cognitive function. I have not noticed—“ I cut myself off because I realized mid sentence I was lying. I tried to be correct. “On the bridge, I have not noticed your migraines affecting your decision making abilities. Yet.”

Kathryn’s eyes were big, staring me down. I looked right back at her, unmoving. I would stand by what I said. It was a legitimate concern and it was my place as first officer, and as Kathryn’s friend, to give it voice. I hated to make her face the reality that a physical ailment could cause her to be unfit for command, but that was the reality for every captain. 

Kathryn sighed again, resigned to her fate. “I’ll see the doctor tomorrow,” she promised. “If—“ she looked me in the eyes and I knew I was in trouble. “If you talk to him about your ears. We could go together, if you want.”

She had me. I was going to talk to a hologram about my itchy ears. Wonderful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Any and all comments including constructive criticism and pointing out editorial mistakes are welcome!


	3. In Sickbay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein the Doctor gets cocky.

"Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here, Captain."

"I am waiting for you outside sickbay."

"Be right there, Captain."

In the turbolift I began to feel bad for "forgetting" that Kathryn and I had agreed to meet at sickbay after alpha shift. Well, I told myself, I had just needed to do a couple of things first. I really hadn't thought she would be waiting for me.

I exited the lift into the corridor and turned the corner to find Kathryn nudging the cover of a Jefferies tube, trying to get it to latch. At first, I was indignant that one of the crew had left the cover unlatched. I began to apologize, "Kathryn, I'll--" but when she turned to me I saw the look on her face and knew. 

"Kathryn, why were you in the Jeffries tube just now?" I saw the padd she had tucked under her arm as she was trying to adjust the cover with both hands. I moved closer to help her and, after checking the corridor for anyone who could overhear us, asked, "Were you hiding?"

"Commander," she was feigning indignance, "why would a captain hide on her own ship?"

I clicked the cover into place.

"Well, there could be intruders on board," I looked around us theatrically. Kathryn rolled her eyes. "O.K., no intruders then. I have heard of captains hiding on their own ships to find a quiet place to stargaze, to feel weightlessness in a spot without gravity plating, to find good acoustics for their music, to conduct a clandestine liaison..." I wiggled my eyebrows a little and she huffed. "But I'm sure a Captain would never hide because she didn't want to be seen entering sickbay."

"And I'm sure a Commander wouldn't leave his Captain waiting when he had agreed to meet her at a specific time." She raised her eyebrows at me. 

I wisely let the matter drop as we stepped into sickbay but the image of Kathryn nestled inside a Jefferies tube reading her padd made me chuckle. Kathryn shot me a sideways glare as she activated the EMH.

"Please state the--"

"Doctor," Kathryn began, "Chakotay and I need to talk to you about some...personal...medical issues."

"Very well, Captain, Commader, whichever of you would like to go first please have a seat on the biobed."

Kathryn and I looked at each other. We had agreed to come here, but that's as far as the plan went. 

"After you, Captain," I gestured magnanimously toward the table. She sighed, her arms folded like a barrier around her. She actually managed to half hop onto the biobed without completely unfolding her arms. She wasn't looking at me or the doctor. Her focus was firmly on the wall. 

After a few seconds, the EMH opened his mouth. I quickly interjected, "Captain, would you like me to...?"

"Very well, Commander." She was still looking at the wall.

The EMH turned to me. 

I put my hands behind my back and got down to business. 

"Doctor, the Captain would like to discuss a preventative treatment plan for her migraines."

The EMH looked at the Captain. She gave a slight nod. The EMH turned to his computer. "Let's see, Captain, your last migraine was six days ago. I didn't assess you personally but Kes reported your pain at a level six with light sensitivity and nausea. Were there any other symptoms?"

I knew she was not going to be forthcoming. "Kathryn?" I encouraged, as I stepped closer to her to show my support. 

"I, mmhmm, also felt dizzy." Kathryn conceded.

"Vertigo. I see," the EMH responded as he picked up his tricorder. "Before that, you had a migraine ten days ago, when you last reported symptoms to me directly here in sickbay. We discussed identifying migraine triggers. Have you made any progress? I suspected a correlation between your caffeine intake and migraines, was I correct?"

I raised an eyebrow at Kathryn. I knew caffeine helped her migraines, but I also knew drinking as much of the stuff as she did could cause headaches, especially if she didn't get her usual amount and went into withdrawal. That's why I avoided crashing shuttles when Kathryn was with me. 

"I haven't seen a connection," Kathryn said. Of course she hadn't.

"I see," said the doctor. "and the treatment I devised was a solution containing inaprovaline, triptacedrine, and terakine. Was that an effective combination for you? Of course," the doctor went on without waiting for an answer, "we should alternate treatments to avoid medication overuse rebound headaches. For now, however, I would like to see you using this solution before your pain level increases above a five. I can preload a hypospray for you if you will follow my instructions."

As the Doctor began to enter the prescription in his computer, his eyebrows drew together. 

"Doctor, is something wrong?" Kathryn asked. 

I tugged at my ear. I knew what the doctor was probably looking at on his computer. 

"One moment," the doctor said as he gave us one of his best bedside manner smiles. He went to confer with Kes in the other room. I chose to await my fate silently by Kathryn's side until they both came back and looked at the computer screen.

"I'm sorry doctor, I haven't used any of those medications," Kes said in her usual peaceful voice. 

"Hmm," the doctor began. "Captain, I apologize for interrupting our discussion of you migraines, but I am required to report--"

I was done waiting. "Doctor, if there is a dose of the Captain's migraine medicine missing, it's because I prepared a dose myself for her last night."

The doctor processed that information. "I see. Commander, I must remind you it is against regulation for personnel without medical authority to prepare, acquire, or administer medications from sickbay. Even if the Captain asked you to--"

I interrupted him again. "She did not ask me, but she had a migraine last night and I needed to help her." I thought I might as well be honest. 

"Captain, did the Commander administer this unauthorized hypospray?"

"Yes, doctor," Kathryn confessed.

"I must warn you, taking medication unnecessarily--"

Kathryn and I both began to say something at the same time and stopped as soon as we each realized we were both talking.

"Captain," I conceded.

"Doctor, I did have a migraine last night, and Chakotay knew I needed the medication," Kathryn was overlooking the fact that I could have simply activated the doctor and asked him for the hypo. At that moment my position on Voyager definitely felt like a privilege rather than a punishment. 

"Captain," the doctor began suspiciously, "you had no migraine symptoms when you were here last night at 20:00 checking on Ensign Brooks."

"Doctor," the Captain replied, "I may not have informed you of my symptoms at that time, but I had pain at a level five then, which increased to a seven shortly after I left sickbay, as well as sensitivity to light and mild nausea. The migraine had started earlier in the afternoon before the end of alpha shift."

The doctor looked at the Captain incredulously. "Captain, if you had such symptoms in my presence, I surely would have noticed them. The Ensign's burns had been treated by that point and you and I conversed for several minutes."

I could hardly believe the EMH was questioning the Captain's veracity. Kes, who had been hovering behind the doctor under the guise of organizing medical instruments, chose that moment to intervene. 

"Doctor, may I speak with you?" she said extra sweetly.

Kes guided the Doctor to his office. I scooted up to sit on the edge of the biobed next to Kathryn.

"I'm in trouble," I stated.

"Oh, I don't think this is a court marshal offense. It is the Doctor's domain, however," Kathryn said. Her words were not much comfort. 

As we watched the Doctor and Kes I realized I could hear a few of Kes's words, although I couldn't hear the doctor at all. I caught "observative" at which the doctor shook his head, and then "attuned." I looked at Kathryn to see if she was hearing what I was hearing. She was looking at her padd. I caught a glimpse of B'Elanna's engineering wish list on her padd out of the corner of my eye. I had nearly memorized that list earlier in the day. Voyager was in a desperate situation when it came to mechanical components and the Kazon were so prevalent in this sector trade was unlikely.

I caught a few more words from Kes and stared at the glass walled doctor's office in disbelief. I was sure Kes had said "loves her" at which the doctor finally stopped talking. He looked at Kes for a couple of seconds then turned to look at me through the glass and across the room. He slowly shifted his gaze to Kathryn, who still had her eyes focused down on her padd, then he looked at me again.

Before I could come up with a strategy for either retreat or denial, the EMH was out of his office standing in front of Kathryn and me, a beaming smile on his face. Kes was hurrying after him but unfortunately her legs were shorter and by the time she got there he was already reminding Kathryn and I that we would be due for our contraceptive boosters in less than two months. Kes then took the doctor firmly, with her two hands on his upper arms, and steered him back toward his office. He kept talking to us as he went, "of course I will send you a reminder, as I do all crew members."

Kathryn turned to look at me incredulously.

"Um, his program may be malfunctioning," Imm tried, tugging my ear and looking at my feet. 

"I think I should have B'Elanna look at him." Kathryn sounded concerned.

"Well, I could talk to Kes before we add it to B'Elanna's workload. Kes works with him closely enough to know if he is acting erratically," I offer. That was my quickest thinking of the day.

"Good idea, Commander. I would appreciate you taking care of it."

I tried to let the breath I had been holding out inconspicuously. 

From the office I heard Kes say "she's unaware" and I sucked another breath in sharply and held it. The doctor looked at me again. This time he only looked at me. I heard Kes say "timing." At that moment Kathryn set her padd down on the biobed next to her. Before she looked up at the doctor's office, I started talking to her about the first thing I could come up with. 

"Tuvok brought me some ideas for security detail rotations on away missions."

Kathryn didn't say anything. What was I expecting her to say? I would approve or adjust the personnel on rotation with Tuvok without needing her input. But at least she was looking at me and not the doctor's ridiculously transparent office.

Kes and the doctor were walking back to us. I heard Kes whisper something that ended in "patience."

"Captain," the doctor began, "it is often helpful to have a _friend_ who can observe your migraine symptoms and help you discover patterns and manage pain. I recommend Commander Chakotay be a part of you treatment plan since the two of you work so _closely_ together."

The EMH handed Kathryn the loaded hypo. "You or the Commander are authorized to administer this when your migraine symptoms begin. Remember, our goal is to prevent the pain from reaching a level five. I will refill the hypo for either of you but I must insist you activate me and allow me to prepare the medication as I need to monitor the frequency of its use."

I was breathing normally again. Kes really was a wonderful addition to our crew. 

"Now, Commander." The doctor turned to me. Oh, no, I thought, I had forgotten about my ears. I looked at Kathryn sitting beside me on the biobed. When I had agreed to this, I had imagined her leaving after her turn with the doctor, but she showed no signs of moving off the biobed. She wasn't even looking at her padd. Kathryn was looking at me, smiling encouragingly. I looked at the Doctor and silently thanked Kes again as I saw her quietly withdraw to the other room.

"Um, my ears..." I looked at Kathryn. She raised her eyebrows and nodded slightly. "...itch," I finally said. I was still looking at Kathryn, but before I finished talking I saw the EMH turn away.

"I am aware of your condition, Commander, and I have already included my recommended treatment in your medical file," the doctor revealed in a very self-satisfied tone.

"How?" Kathryn inquired. Her curiosity, although I loved it along with everything else about her, could be inconvenient. 

"Captain, I have analyzed the genetic profiles of each member of the crew and identified all known genetic conditions or predispositions in order to be prepared to meed their needs. I have begun contacting some members of the crew to advise them of treatment options of which they may be unaware. I am considering cross referencing genetic alleles to anticipate possible mating scenarios between members of the crew and the genetic conditions the resulting offspring would be likely to inherit. I feel it would be useful to advise crew members of the more genetically compatible partners as well as the potential expression of undesirable genetic traits in their progeny should they choose to partner with certain other crew members. Given the circumstances," he looked back and forth between the captain and I, "I believe I should accelerate my work."

I was speechless. Kathryn was indignant. "Doctor," she began, "you will not, under any circumstances, be giving crew members any recommendations or any list of pros and cons of _mating_ unless both involved parties come to you and specifically request such information. You are to cease genetic research regarding hypothetical procreation until such a time. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Captain," the EMH submitted. He opened his mouth to say more, looking back and forth at Kathryn and me again, but thankfully he thought better of it.

"I'll just replicate the Commander's ear treatment then," the doctor went on, unfazed. As he worked the medical replicator controls, he kept talking, "It is likely some of the Commander's ancestors came from Asia, on both sides of his family, because he has a recessive phenotype which causes crumbly cerumen. Although the resulting dryness in the ear canal can be uncomfortable--patients report itching, flaking, and rarely sores in the ears--the gene is also linked to sweat glands that do not produce lipids, resulting in little or no body odor."

I was mortified. I kept my gaze firmly on my boots. Black, shiny boots. Interesting how they reflected the lights in sickbay. If I wiggled my foot just so...

"Doctor, I'm sure Chakotay would like to know about the treatment," Kathryn interjected. I smiled a little out of appreciation but kept my eyes on my feet. 

"Of course," the doctor went on, "this bottle has a soft applicator under the lid. The Commander will simply need to apply the solution around the outer part of his ear canal once a day. This bottle should last a month. Either of you may stop by for refills."

The way the doctor kept talking to Kathryn instead of me made me feel like I was a child being taken to a doctor by my mother. And why was he telling Kathryn she could get my medicine for me? Her migraine medicine was different, she might be in too much pain to make the trip to sickbay. I had hoped Kathryn would forget about my itchy ears after this visit. That seemed unlikely now because Kathryn was actually asking the doctor a question.

"How long will this take to help the itching?"

I looked up at Kathryn. Did she have to bring that up?

"Itching? Ah, yes," the doctor was reaching for an archaic looking medical instrument. "How bad is it, Commander?"

"Um. It just itches...sometimes." I am still looking at Kathryn as I talk. 

"Both ears, or one?" the doctor inquired further as he poked the pointy end of his instrument into one of my ears. Now that he was holding my ear I had no choice but to keep looking at Kathryn. Not the worst position I've been in.

"Hmm," the doctor hums. "Other ear please."

I obliged him.

"For the first week, please apply the medicated solution twice a day. That should resolve the itching within a day or two and ensure it will not return when you reduce the application to once daily. Do you have any questions, Commander?"

Finally, the doctor was talking to me. I took advantage immediately and hopped off the biobed as I said "No, thank you doctor."

I offered Kathryn my hand as she got off the bed, which she took. As we walked out of sickbay I saw Kes smiling at the neatly arranged medical instruments in front of her. I wondered about the hearing abilities of Ocampan ears. 

In the turbolift Kathryn and I were both silent until the doors opened. 

"I have to do a couple of things first, but I'll meet you in your quarters in about ten minutes," Kathryn said. 

"My quarters?" I echoed.

"You are the one who needs to start a treatment regimen tonight, remember?"

And she walked away.


	4. In My Quarters (12 minutes later)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously:  
>  "I have to do a couple of things first, but I'll meet you in your quarters in about ten minutes," Kathryn said.   
>  "My quarters?" I echoed.  
>  "You are the one who needs to start a treatment regimen tonight, remember?"  
>  And she walked away.

I was pacing again. Just like last night. Only this time I was, thankfully, inside my quarters rather than in the corridor. The door chime finally sounded. Kathryn was the one ringing my door chime that night.

“Come in,” I called, and I consciously stopped pacing.

Kathryn was still in her uniform, her hair was still knotted on top of her head. Yet there was something very different about her. She looked relaxed and excited at the same time. Her eyes were twinkling as she looked me over, and her look took my breath away.

My eyes were fixed on Kathryn’s as she took three slow steps toward me. Her eyes were so beautiful, especially that night as they danced with something that looked like mischief. Something cold and hard pressed against my hand. It startled me and I finally dropped my eyes from Kathryn’s to see a bottle of something she was handing me.

“You’re not the only one with a secret stash, although mine will run out soon,” she said. I looked at the bottle, but only because I felt it was expected. I really didn’t care what it was, Kathryn being in my quarters, like this, was intoxicating enough.

“This looks good,” I commented. I had read the label but couldn’t say what it was because I was looking at Kathryn’s eyes again. She gave me a little laugh and turned away. “Well, it’s not Andorian Ale,” she said as she took the bottle and set it on my coffee table.

_Glasses_ , I thought. I went to get two glasses. Kathryn sat on my sofa and opened the bottle, but she didn’t pour.

“Before we celebrate, we had better take care of business,” she said as she stood and walked to where I was standing. Putting one hand on my shoulder, she pushed herself up on her toes and held out her other hand in front of me. “The medicine, please.”

Her imitation of the doctor was good, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Then the irony of a human imitating a hologram struck me and I kept laughing. I stopped myself, thinking Kathryn would be giving me one of her _have you_ _lost your mind_ looks, but as soon as I looked at her she started laughing too and neither of us stopped until we both sat down on the sofa. Kathryn actually wiped a tear from her eye.

“Seriously,” she said, “I would like to make sure you start your treatment tonight, before we…forget about it.”

Kathryn raised her eyebrows slightly as she said “forget about it” and I stopped breathing. But then she laughed, and I chuckled, and I made a mental note not to drink much of whatever was in that bottle. I had experienced Kathryn’s flirtatious side before, but never in my quarters, alone with her. She seemed to greatly underestimate the effect she had on me.

“Seriously,” Kathryn said again. “Shall I go get it?” she offered and looked around for the little bottle of medicine.

I hated to disappoint her. “I already…applied it. Tonight. As soon as I got to my quarters.”

“Oh,” she said. Yep, she sounded disappointed, and she slumped back against the sofa. After thinking for a few seconds, she sat up and put her hand over my hand, which was resting on my knee.

“It’s just—“ she began, “you have taken care of me so many time when I had migraines. I wanted to return the favor.”

I didn’t dare move as I said, “Kathryn.” I wanted to get this right, wanted her to know I was not taking care of her out of duty to my position as her first officer. But the time for telling her how deep my feelings ran had not come yet. “When you are hurting, I would do anything to ease your pain.”

Kathryn looked at me, the look on her face somewhere between friendship and forever. At least that’s what I saw. Then she looked away at the wall opposite us. “I don’t deserve you,” she said before looking back at me. It was as if she had pulled herself out of the cold and distant past and into the present as she turned her head to meet my eyes again. But in the instant her eyes found mine they regained all of the warmth they had before.

“Thank you,” Kathryn said firmly as she tightened her hold on my hand. “For noticing when I’m in pain, and for caring. For convincing me to see the doctor and for going with me,” she finished sincerely.

“You’re welcome.” It was all I could think to say with her warm little hand on mine. I was nearly loosing my resolve to stay still. How I would love to close the distance between us, or at least to turn my hand over and intertwine our fingers. But then she took her hand away, reaching for the bottle and glasses. 

“I happen to know neither of us has alpha shift tomorrow,” she justified as she poured.

_And I happen to know wine can trigger migraines_ , I thought. But who was I to deny Kathryn a chance to relax?

Kathryn handed me my glass. “Here’s to doctor’s visits. The ones that are _over_.”

The wine was fragrant and full and the flavor was a bit heady. It reminded me of Kathryn. Enticing. Hazardous, even. I sat the glass down on the coffee table. Kathryn kept hers, taking little sips.

“What kind of music do you like?” She asked, and she tucked her feet up on the sofa beside her, leaning slightly toward me. I looked at the floor and smiled as I saw her boots under my coffee table. _I could get used to that_ _sight_ , I thought as I leaned back against the sofa. If my movement happened to bring me a bit closer to Kathryn…well, it did. I looked at her sideways. She was looking at me as if she expected something .

“O.K., let me guess,” she said and she thought for a second. “Jazz.” _Oh, music_ , I remembered.

“I do like jazz,” I admitted, “but it’s not my favorite.”

“O.K., classical then,” she tried.

“I’m sorry, the truth is I don’t really have a favorite type of music.”  
Kathryn frowned slightly, then composed her expression into diplomacy. “That’s O.K., not everyone enjoys music…” I could tell she didn’t really believe what she was saying.

“You misunderstood, Kathryn. I love music, I probably appreciate music from every genre I’ve heard. Well, every type of human music at least. I even like some of that crazy old stuff Tom likes.”  
Kathryn’s eyes were dancing again, as if she were fascinated by my eclectic tastes.

“Can you give me an example, one song you like?” Kathryn asks.

Of course. I would give her anything.“Computer, play Piano Concerto in A minor by Robert Schumann, the second movement.”

Kathryn sipped her wine as she listened, but before the movement was half over she set the glass down and rested her head on the back of the sofa with her eyes closed. “This is beautiful,” she said, as the strings began to swell with the melody.

I opened my mouth to tell her why I liked the piece so much, but she looked so peaceful I decided to allow her to listen without interruption. As the movement ended, Kathryn’s features relaxed completely and I realized she had fallen asleep. She looked younger. It was as if every light year between us and home had been taken off her shoulders. I kept very still.  
Out of the corner of my eye I checked her glass. Still half full. Her breathing was slow though, so she was definitely asleep. What would I do with her? I wished I could have her beamed right to her bed, so she didn’t have to wake up. I wished even more that I could carry her to her quarters.

Well, why not? It wasn’t very far, just one door down on the other side of the corridor. I checked the time. Alpha and beta shifts were likely to be asleep and gamma shift wasn’t quite half over. Besides, no one really came to this section of deck two except its residents, and since the quarters here were larger there weren’t many residents.

Satisfied that my logic was as sound as any Vulcan’s, I shifted closer to Kathryn and planned how to lift her. Thinking of carrying her and actually picking her up were two very different things. I hesitated before slowly and gently sliding my arms under her knees and around her back. She made a little noise in her sleep. I gradually lifted her and stood, pulling her to me as smoothly as I could. She was not heavy, but she felt solid in my arms. Real. She smelled like vanilla and oranges. Home and sunshine.

I took a couple of steps toward the door while hoping I would win my gamble and no one would see us. That’s when Kathryn snuggled her face into my neck and mumbled my name. I froze. I must have jolted her a bit because she woke up.

“Chakotay?” She said again, but the sleepy contented tone was gone.

“Yes, Kathryn,” I acknowledged.

“What happened? Why are you carrying me?” She didn’t sound upset, or indignant, just mildly curious.

“You fell asleep on my sofa listening to Schumann,” I explained.

She looked around, apparently confirming she was still in my quarters. “And you are carrying me to…?” she questioned further.

“Your quarters. Your sofa, to be specific.” I didn’t want her to think I had inappropriate intentions.

“That sounds nice,” she said, and she didn’t seem to be in any hurry for me to set her down. Nevertheless, she went on, “but I think I ought to walk. I wouldn’t want to worry Tuvok if he came by.”

I laughed as I set Kathryn on her feet. Tuvok was our neighbor, but he was unlikely to be coming or going from his quarters since he was commanding gamma shift. Of course he would never admit to being worried, being Vulcan.

Kathryn put one hand on my chest. The look in her eyes as she looked up at me made me think she was going to embrace me, and she slid her hand up to my shoulder and put her other hand on my other arm. She looked in my eyes with all the warmth and beauty I had seen earlier and said, “Thank you again, Chakotay.”

My arms were, on their own, lifting themselves to pull Kathryn to me once more when she let go of me and stepped back. She hesitated a moment and then turned to the door. But her eyes found mine one more time.

“Good night, Chakotay.”

“Sweet dreams, Kathryn.”

I smiled as she walked out my door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this little chapter took so me so long! There's one more chapter coming, a sort of epilogue. Hopefully it won't take me as long to write but no promises. Thanks for reading and for all your kudos and comments!


	5. Epilogue-In the Jeffries Tubes (eleven days later)

“Computer, please locate Captain Janeway.”

“Captain Janeway is on Deck 3 section 2.”

A minute later I walked out of the turbo lift. Section two included the corridor to my left and one science lab that we did not use, but the corridor was empty and the science lab was dark. I asked the computer for her location again, just in case she had been here and left. The computer gave the same response. I turned on the lights in the science lab and tried to casually check under and behind everything. Why Kathryn would be under or behind anything in that science lab made no sense, but the thought of her combadge being here and her being elsewhere did cross my mind. That was a rather concerning possibility so I mentally acknowledged it and then ignored it, for now. 

Back in the corridor once more I asked the computer to locate Kathryn’s biosign. I was both relieved and concerned when I got the same answer again. She was here, but where? I realized anyone else would have commed her by now, and my hand was half way to my combadge when I heard a scuffling coming from the wall right beside me. I located an access panel to the Jeffries Tubes and removed it just in time to see Kathryn’s boots disappear around a corner. I chuckled while shaking my head, and crawled in after her, pulling the cover shut behind me. 

Five feet in the Jeffries Tube came to a T junction. There were tubes to the left and right and a ladder above me that went up two decks. Sitting just inside the tube to my right, curled up just like I had imagined her on the day we went to sickbay together, was Kathryn. Her back was against the curved wall of the tube and her knees were bent in front of her. This time, however, she had a real book in her hands instead of a padd. The book was closed and she was looking at me expectantly. 

“Kathryn.” 

“Chakotay.”

“You went into your ready room two hours ago, but when I went to remind you our shift was over the room was empty.”

Kathryn was trying not to smile. She was looking at me and then apparently she couldn’t anymore because she looked down and covered her mouth. I could tell she was doing her best not to laugh, but the mystery she had given me thoroughly delighted her. I decided to be direct.

“Kathryn,” I began in an admonishing tone, “how did you get here?”

She was definitely laughing at me now. Once she got her mirth under control, she gave the ladder across from me a significant look then looked up the ladder and looked back at me. Without saying a word she started laughing again. 

I may not have quite memorized Voyager’s complete schematics yet, but I could put two and two together. The ladder went up two decks, so it must end on deck one. I pictured the layout of the ship in my mind and realized we must be sitting pretty much straight under the ready room. I pictured Kathryn sneaking out of her ready room through an access panel and I started laughing too.

“Kathyrn,” I complained, “I was worried about you. I knew you had a migraine and I assumed you went in your ready room to take your hypo and lie down. So when you were gone…”

“I assume the com system is working?” Kathryn asked. She knew exactly how to tease me. I wondered how much time she had been spending with B’Elanna. 

“I wanted to know you were O.K., not just hear you say you were O.K. There is a difference, you know.” I had her there and she knew it.

“I’m sorry. I’m glad you found me,” she said sweetly. I couldn’t hold anything against her after she said that. “I’ve been meaning to tell you about this spot,” she went on, “I figured someone ought to know about it, just in case. Have a seat,” she finished and patted the floor to her left in the junction. I was all too happy to settle myself on the floor of the junction between the ladder and the tube Kathryn sat in. I could never have fit sideways in the tube itself as she did. This arrangement put us quite close together, my entire upper left arm was pressed against Kathryn’s right arm, but it was the only way I could fit with the ladder rungs on my other side. 

“You’re right, I did have a migraine, or the beginnings of one,” Kathryn explained. “I went to my ready room to take the hypo there, and I did lie down with the lights dim until the pain was gone. Then I read 9 reports, wrote 2 reports, and came here when the shift ended. I just didn’t want to go through the end of shift civilities today. Usually no one bothers me in my ready room.” She looked at me significantly as she said the last sentence, but she went on, “Of course if someone needs me they usually com me, and I can get to the bridge from here in 42 seconds, which is 7 seconds less than my quarters. I’m prepared for visitors just in case,” she said as she gestured toward the opposite wall of the junction, where I saw an open service panel and a spanner on the floor below it. 

“So why not just go on to your quarters?” I had to ask.

“Well, the tubes above us come out at access panels in either Tuvok’s quarters…or yours.” She nudged me with her arm as she said “yours.” “I would have designed the ship differently, had I been consulted,” she sighed dramatically, “but that’s how they made it.”

“Sounds like a perfect set up to me,” I couldn’t resist saying.

“Chakotay!” Kathryn scolded, half playfully. I smiled and looked at my hands, pleased that I got away with at least a little flirting. She got away with so much more. 

We were quiet for a minute and I noticed how peaceful this spot was. It was far enough from engineering to be quiet and cool, and the lighting in the tubes was not glaring like some rooms on the ship. 

“I can see why you like it here,” I said, looking at Kathryn. She turned her head to look at me, which put our faces quite close together. Her eyebrows were raised at first like she intended to give me a _look_ but apparently our close proximity affected her because she laughed and looked down as she offered,

“You’re welcome to drop by whenever you like,” she said and she actually winked at me as she said it! My heart stuttered. I thought I had outsmarted fate’s—or Starfleet’s—torture tactics when I convinced Kathryn to use appropriate medical treatment for her migraines. Apparently fate was not satisfied, because when Kathryn felt better she flirted. I _knew_ she thought of herself as _engaged_ to some poor man on Earth, and she thought of me as a _friend_. Even worse, she thought of me as a subordinate. _Unfortunately_ , her line in the sand between what friends did and what lovers did was different from mine. Or should I have said _fortunately_? My heart and my sense of self preservation were battling about this. I usually took female companionship as it came, not thinking about the future much. O.K., not thinking about the future _at all._

Now thoughts of Kathryn were beginning to invade the future I didn’t think about. Now Kathryn was leaning her head against my shoulder. Now sitting quietly in the Jeffries tube with her was the best part of my day. Now I could feel peace deep within my soul where I had only ever felt anger. Now I knew what my father had meant when he described knowing he wanted to marry my mother. Now my soul settled on Kathryn. Now, and for the rest of my life, she was the one I wanted to be with. For better or for worse—and probably worse since she was engaged to…what was his name? Mike? Matt? 

The environmental controls reversed the air handlers in the Jeffries tubes. “Mmmm,” Kathryn hummed, “the EMH was right, you do smell good.”

I made a noise that probably sounded like a hiccough and Kathryn giggled. 

“Is the doctor’s protocol really helping your migraines?” I asked, changing the subject as quickly as I could. “I was worried last week when I had beta shift.”

“Chakotay, I wish you wouldn’t worry about me, I can take care of myself you know,” Kathryn asserted. It was marginally true at best and I knew it.

“Computer, please access replicator logs for today, under Captain Janeway.” 

“Captain Janeway ordered coffee, black, at 05:52. Coffee, black at 06:37. Coffee, black at 08:41. Coffee, black at 09:31. Coffee, black at 13:23.”

“Did Captain Janeway order anything other than coffee today?”

“Negative.”

I tried to give Kathryn a disapproving look but she still had her head on my shoulder and she was looking down, covering her mouth with her hand, giggling. I pressed on, “So, how was Neelix’s lunch special?”

“It was…leola root…a bit too spicy?” Kathryn lied between giggles. I knew she hadn’t been in the mess hall today, and Neelix had actually served some kind of pasta that didn’t involve leola root today. For lunch, that is. He had proudly mentioned dinner would be leola root casserole, to make us Earthlings feel more at home. 

Some crew members passed through the corridor outside, talking and laughing. Probably coming back from the mess hall. It was past time for dinner. 

“How do you get out of here without being seen?” I asked Kathryn, knowing she would have a plan.

“Well, I don’t attempt it around the shift change, and I have the spanner to fall back on in case someone sees me. No one has so far,” she offered, “but then I was alone. It was less conspicuous.”

“Why don’t we go the other way?” I suggested. I had to frame this carefully, “I have some extra replicator rations, and I _know_ you are hungry.” 

“Through Tuvok’s quarters?” Kathryn giggled. 

The idea of the two of us emerging from an access hatch into Tuvok’s quarters off duty, probably both of us giggling, actually sounded like fun. Tuvok deserved a little shock, he had certainly given me one when I found out he was a federation spy. I laughed with Kathryn.

“No, I was thinking of my quarters. If you think you can stay awake this time?” I teased.

“Sounds like a challenge, and I accept.” Kathryn was crawling over me to get to the ladder before she even finished talking. 

I put candles on the table for dinner. She went to her quarters and changed into a dress. I made the best replicator recipe I knew. She sat across the table from me and rested her chin on her hand. I watched the candlelight dance in her eyes. She laughed at my poor jokes. I felt my heart swell inside of me. She listened to me talk about my people. I felt like I was lost and home at the same time, and neither of those feelings had anything to do with Voyager or the Delta Quadrant. She put her hand on my chest before she left. I dreamed of her in my arms that night.


End file.
